Jul. 8 - Fuck Yeah!
As many of you know, I live in Texas. At the moment I am currently residing in Dallas. For those of you who know anything about the state, you know that Texans have their own set of logic that is very... well... illogical.
I have not recently come to this epiphany; I have known this for many years. But every once in a while I'll be driving down the road and I'll see something so Texan that I'll point at it and go "Wow! Now that's fucked up!"
I experienced one of these moments when my mom went on one of her many trips to the Saab dealership. This particular location happens to also sell Hummers, so the entire facility is surrounded by rows and rows of identical shiny urban assault vehicles. I would not give this a second glace if I didn't see so many of these monstrosities populating the streets of Dallas, which I find simply baffling. With gas topping off at nearly $3 a gallon, and the fact that this city is 95% highway, I wonder why anyone in their right mind would pay so much fucking money for these gas-guzzling pieces of shit. I then realize that this is Texas, and they aren't in their right mind, and everything makes sense again.
This recent realization has compelled me to give a break-down of Hummer's three models in order to show you--though storytelling, analogies, and whimsy--how truly ridiculous these vehicles are.
The H1 Alpha: The Dream Begins
This was Hummer's first creation, which has evolved since its introduction as a civilian vehicle in 1991, when some genius saw these massive military ATVs--used to drive vertically in the Grand Canyon and launch ICBMs--and thought "hey! A bunch of fat, insecure white men would love to pay a lot of money for these!" And so the H1 was born.
As a military vehicle, it is very practical. It is extra wide so as to be difficult to flip over, and so long as the government doesn't skimp on the armor plating, it is essential for the protection and transportation of American troops.
As a civilian vehicle, however, it has a whole new set of problems, including, but not limited to, lack of parking, horrible fuel economy, impaired vision, the $140,000 price tag, and the fact that your peers will think you're a complete asshole and be right.
Apparently Hummer announced recently that they will be discontinuing this line. I would be happy, but unfortunately they are continuing to sell the next atrocity for what I can assume will be a really long time.
The H2 SUV: Why?
This vehicle is, in my humble opinion, the most inefficient, excessive, gaudy, impractical piece of shit ever created. You could take every useless, overpriced gadget in Sharper Image, duct taped it all together, add a power source that emitted radioactive smog, and made it run on the souls of murdered puppies, and I would still look at the H2 and shake my head in disgust. It's just that stupid.
From my previous experience as a valet, I have had the displeasure of driving this horrible thing (thanks to my dickhead of a former boss), and let me assure you, there is no practical reason to buy this car except to let everyone know that you're an unbelievable douche bag.
Let me tell you about driving the H2. It's too tall. You can't see in front of you. You can't see behind you. You can't see out of the side windows. You can't see anything. I'm completely serious. I could not see a fucking thing. It was like driving one of those giant cardboard boxes that refrigerators come in, except you couldn't poke out a bigger eyehole. In addition to the sight problem, the whole thing felt underpowered. I'm sure it could knock over a rhinoceros if it gained enough speed, but I had to punch the accelerator halfway down just to get it to do anything. A wide frame + limited visibility + an unresponsive gas pedal = if you aren't unreasonably careful, you are going to run into shit!
Aside from my personal experience with driving the H2, the more I learned about this vehicle, the more I loathed it. The price ranges from $53,000-$58,000, which is significantly cheaper than the H1, but still a shitload of dough. With that $90,000 price drop, what you get is an underpowered, impractical, Hummer-inspired hunk of metal. I have never seen anyone go offroading in an H2. Probably because anyone who's ever attempted to drive it on anything than a mall parking lot has fallen down a cliff in a climactic and awe-inspiring fireball, never to be seen again. I would liken offroading in an H2 to rolling down a hill in a wooden barrel: exhilarating and scary at the same time.
The H3: That's How You Spell "RC!"
This is Hummer's most recent invention, which is significantly smaller than its brethren and, at around $30,000, a much better price. Contrary to the H2, I have no personal experience with the H3, aside from seeing it on the road and snickering at the fact that it looks like a giant remote-controlled car. Every time I see one I always look up in the sky to see if there's a guy in a helicopter with one of those Tyco controllers, while the passengers scream uncontrollably from their helpless situation in the speeding metal coffin. But I never see one, and when I look into the H3 I just see the same smug asshole with his polo shirt fittingly tailored to his doughy frame, as he drapes one pudgy arm over the steering wheel as if to say "oh yeahhh. I'm paying $70 at the pump and loving it!"
Aside from the Tyco RC comparison, another thing I think when I see the H3 is that it looks like a juiced-up Jeep. It's kind of like that buff guy you used to know. He was a lot like an old Jeep: durable and reliable. He was really nice and would go to the gym a couple times a week. He was the definition of all-American, with a name like "Mack" or "Chip" with a good body as he wore those really tight shirts that made you say "why don't I go to the gym more often?" If you ever needed to move, Chip would be the first one you would call. "Sure thing," he would say "I'll be there at eight." He would be cheery and helpful as he would lift his end of the couch effortlessly across his chest while yours sagged at your knees as you both went down the stairs. You liked him and he liked you, in the most manly, platonic way possible.
But then he starts to change. He begins hanging out with a different crowd. This is a bad crowd. They use steroids. Eventually Chip starts taking steroids himself. Soon he becomes a very angry person. When you ask Chip if he would help you move a cabinet, he snaps. "MOVE YOUR OWN FUCKING CABINET" he screams, "I'M GOING TO THE GYM! RARRRRR!" Chip's muscles get bigger, but he never uses them for anything anymore. They're not practical, just an aesthetic piece of eye candy so he can pick up chicks that he can't fuck anyway because his testicles have shriveled up too much. You start talking to Chip less and less and eventually he's simply a forgotten memory in the back of your brain.
This is the H3 to me.
Post script: After reading this, if you still wish to buy a Hummer because you want everyone to know that you're a dickcheese, I have an alternative for you. You should consider buying a crotchrocket. They're cheaper, the fuel economy is better, and while you're not necessarily a prick for buying one, the minute you race by the other vehicles at the stoplight with that high-pitched rice-burning squeal, you will have solidified your assholedom for everyone to see and hear.
Plus it's more likely that you'll die.
Posted by Nick Nobel
