Aug. 29 - Slacker-Central on Google
Well it's finally happened. Through my subtle-but-shameless plugs (I try to mention Slacker-Central in each of my posts) the website has moved up on Google. A search for "Slacker Central" will result in this:
Second, baby! Now all we have to do is bump those hyphen-less fuckers out of the first place spot. Why do they reside in the top position? They haven't updated in almost a month, have christian affiliations, and the forum (their pride and joy) looks like a preteen girl's mid-ninties personal Tripod site threw up all over it.
Ironically, a search for "Slacker-Central" (with the hyphen) garners this:
Fifth? Fifth? How does that even happen? We're the hyphen ones! That's our thing! Balls.
In any case, I'm happy about this recent bump, and I'm sure my many mentionings of Slacker-Central in this post will bode well for future search results. As long as we keep on posting and expanding the site, I see some (at least minimal) notoriety in the near future.
Aug. 22 - Original Content!
I'll take a break from talking about things other people have made and post a movie that I have just recently created.
This is a video that I made for Trinity University's Information Technology Services Department for the incoming freshmen. It is a 1940s-style mental hygiene film that informs its naive viewers about the dangers of the Internet, ninjas, communists, Tony Danza, etc. Note Slacker-Central's appearance in the film as your "fav-or-ite website."
Please give it a view and tell me what you think. I know it's long and some of the text is difficult to read (thanks YouTube!) but do it anyways. Click on Jimmy's head to begin the film!
You, Your Computer & You!
Aug. 21 - What to do with a time machine
I watched the Time Chasers episode of MST3K last night and I got to thinking about nifty things to do a time machine. Here are a few things that I came up with.
-Travel a few days into the future and commit horrible but desire-fulfilling crimes. You could do everything you ever wanted to do with no regard for the consequences. Then you could escape back to the present and arrive three seconds after you left and live your life like nothing happened. You would have to ensure that your time machine was not rendered inoperative or else you'd be stuck. You would also be able to see if your scheme works out because you could see what happens to your future self. You know, make sure you're not on death row or anything.
-Prevent the existence of South Carolina. Build a big wall around it, Dig-Dug it off the continent, whatever it takes to prevent all the social problems in the United States.
-Tell Abraham Lincoln, "Look out!"
-Help a medieval kingdom fight off an army of the undead. I think someone might have already thought of this but I'm not sure. Still, it'd be pretty cool. Just don't die.
-Go back to 2000 and place 3,000 pre-orders for the PlayStation 2. And piss everyone right the hell off.
-Go back to 1948 and kick then-7-year-old Kin Jong-Il's ass. Give him a strong, unnatural fear of Japan-shaped objects. And plutonium.
-Create an army of clones. Simply travel back ten minutes into the past. There are now two yous who are identical (just makes sure that ten minutes wasn't extraordinarily life-changing). You can repeat this process until there are as many yous as you want (or can stand). This works best if your time machine is portal-based. If your time machine is immobile and travels with you in time you will need to ensure that you don't travel back to a time when the time machine exists at that same position. This could perhaps be done by making a series of jumps to create a window of time when the time machine does not exist. Whether or not this would be a problem depends on the method of time travel and how physics would react to materializing objects.
For example, the H.G. Wells time machine always existed in its material position and could only travel through time in a continuous line, thus allowing the traveller to observe a sped-up version of history or the future. However, most other time machines travel to discrete points in the past or future. Both methods require their own strategeries for clone army creation. Perhaps these will follow later with visual aides.
Aug. 15 - Otakon 2006: A Follow-Up
Otakon is more than a week over, and I have yet to give you an update on the status of my prediction list. I'd have to say it was a pitiful performance, though I did accomplish a lot of other awesome things that were not on the list. I'll get into some of that later.
1. Go to the rave (Complete)
I did, in fact, go to the rave. Unfortunately it wasn't for very long. On Saturday night we decided to get shit-faced and head on down to the game room before going to the rave. While the game room was a hell of a time, it did not help with completing the fourth item on my list. More on that later.
Our friends from the game room. Blur effect added to simulate intoxication.
So by the time we got to the rave, people were dancing and sweating and jumping around and generally acting like imbeciles. Regrettably I had sobered up too much to partake in this event on any immersive level. This greatly hindered #2, which was...
2. Pick up some con ass (Incomplete)
It just didn't happen. Shut your mouth.
However, despite this lack of otome poon, I realize that I was fully capable of getting some, but the effort just never came into play.
Trust me, when you only get to see your friends one weekend a year, getting on some skanky pock-marked anime ass is not the first thing on your mind. Besides, I have Dan for that.
3. Glomp one of those people with the "Glomp Me" t-shirts (Incomplete)
I was too drunk for this one. Or not drunk enough. I don't remember.
I didn't glomp anyone, but I did kick this guy.
4. Defeat everyone in Soul Calibur (rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrCRASSHHHH)
As the parenthetical suggests, this one went down in flames. Replace the word "everyone" with "absolutely fucking NO one. Not even Dan" and I would have passed with flying colors.
Despite my pitiful performance, Dan did very well. Once he got into his Maxi groove, he was practically undefeatable. Based on my performance against Dan, I would say that I was better than most of the people who played, but the inherent problem lies in defeating the seated incumbent. That person who's been playing for the last 45 minutes? Yeah, he's there for a reason. He's fucking fantastic. Or cheap. I'm going with the latter. Dan performed stunningly well, and since I mentioned him in the original post, I'm going to consider this one a halfhearted success.
5. Buy some tentacle porn (Partial)
While I did not get some tentacle porn in the traditional sense, I did get some things that I consider higher on the What-The-Fuck-O-Meter.
The first item was practically tentacle porn; a little Japanese comic by the name of Urotsukidoji: Return of the Chojin from a Mr. Toshio Maeda. This one had some semblance of a plot, and the only reason I got it was because it has a man eating a woman out with a long, serpentine tongue, which is kind of like a tentacle. U: RotC also has some sort of a story but I didn't bother following it.
The next one I consider infinitely more disgusting. Furry porn.
Furry porn.
This one is from Sin Factory Comics. It is called Genus. It is fucking disgusting. The last title had fucked-up humans in it; this one has anthropomorphic humanoid bunnies and camels with huge tits, giant schlongs, and shaved pussies.
How the fuck does a bunny have a shaved pussy?
Not furry porn, but still revolting.
In any case, Genus is disgusting and stupid. There was one scene, however, that made me sit back and go "what the fuck? Who gets off on that?"
A group of female human-bunnies are trying to recruit another female bunny thing into their little interspecial lesbian sex group. Out of nowhere, one of the bunnies takes her entire arm and jams it down the throat of her bunny friend. They continue to talk while, I assume, she gains sexual pleasure from the tingling sensation of her fingers swirling around in stomach acid. A few frames later, she decides she's had enough and proceeds to remove her arm from the bunny's throat, as she stares at her slimy-ass hand, the two locking eyes with a combination of disgust and delight.
Ew.
If anyone wants to see it, I may scan it in. But seriously, why would you?
6. Steal one of Man-Faye's asshairs (Never met him)
HER WHOLE GODDAMN ARM! FUCK!
Man-Fayes: 0. Zombies: 3.
Expect to see more Otakon pictures on Slacker-Central in the near future, hopefully in the elusive "Photos" section. In the mean time, be happy with what you've got. Jackals.
Aug. 8 - Otakon 2006: Cosplaying and Pornography (Part 1)
Welcome to Slacker-Central all you we met at Otakon.
Also welcome anyone who is wondering "who the hell was that Communist Wolfwood?"
That was me.
Thank you Nick's friend Pat for the picture.
Now let me tell you a story, the story of how I freaked the shit out of an entire booth full of hentai fans. Walking around the dealer's room I had this idea: how do you make hentai fans cower in shame and disgust? How do you make someone who reads, draws, and talks about some of the most depraved pornography on the planet shudder in abhorrence? Simply ask for something even more depraved. Well Nathan didn't think I could do it, and to be honest neither did I. I walked confidently up to the all-hentai-all-the-time booth and found myself standing in front of the most crowded area of the dealer's room. I saw people buying, reading and talking about tentacle rape, sodomy and furry porn, I realized I couldn't simply ask for the most deviant pornography they had, they sold out hours ago and all seemed in vain. There was a confident blonde man standing behind the counter and I looked in awe as a man clad in ninja garb explained to me the fineries of hermaphroditic erotica while cracking the spine of yet another copy of "The Best of Both Worlds". And then, INSPIRATION! I knew exactly what to ask for and at that very moment my Arian opponent stepped aside to reveal a small, timid, ashamed man who was to be my target and I struck
With gusto.
"Excuse me, shop-keep. as far as deviance goes, do you have anything that is a cut above the rest?" My first words brought confusion to my new friend, he was off balance and he never saw what was coming next, I almost feel bad for him... and everyone else at that booth.
"I'm looking for a birthday present for a close family member." I said, so casually I couldn't not be serious. He shook his head in awe, while every customer shuddered in the kind of shame that only comes when you are shown a mirror of yourself that has washed away all the pink elephants that keep you sane and shows you the absolute reality, like the world's brightest spotlight shown directly on your soul. Then his hunt began.
He searched through three boxes of unimaginable literature, things I cannot even speak of here, and he handed me this:
It's almost innocent, quaint compared to the little box of horrors he drew it from.
He said that it looked decent on the outside but inside, he explained, it was about a girl getting gang-raped by demon canines. He thought he had scared me away, he thought that no sane individual would actually give this to anyone they could ever possibly love.
"That's perfect!"
He did not lie, and I think he shat himself when I paid him for it. I left the other poor hentai shoppers in shocked silence.
Aug. 3 - Otakon 2006: Expectations and Predictions
Otakon 2006 is fast approaching, and I know that we haven't updated in quite a while, but Slacker-Central will probably have even fewer updates because 100% of our writing staff will be in Baltimore. For those of you who have no idea what Otakon is, it is one of the largest anime conventions in the country, pulling in around 25,000 attendees annually. Go to the website if you want to know more. Yes, I realize I'm a dork, but you're reading this, so what does that say about you?
In any case, this is my fourth year for this con, and the third for the group. As is the case, certain traditions and desires arise from these conglomerations of overweight Halloween rejects and acne-scarred, malnourished computer programmers with intricately-designed linen Dragonball Z shirts. Otakon traditions are not created, they are discovered. The con practically makes its own gravy, in more ways than one.
While the traditions are numerous, there is always room for more. Therefore I have created a list of things I want to do at this year's Otakon that I haven't done in previous years. There aren't many of them but this is important in my life, so pay attention.
1. Go to the rave
This one isn't exactly on the top of my list (even though it is literally on the top of the list) but it's something I want to do. I had a glimpse of how nerds party when I went to A-Kon 2006 in Dallas, but it was just a taste. I have yet to fully experience the level of desperation that can arise from hundreds of socially awkward individuals in a dimly-lit room listening to the heavy beats of what I can only assume will be a nonstop loop of various Gundam soundtracks, as they gyrate their moist, pear-shaped bodies around each other, the stench rising up to the ceiling before changing course and billowing down into my nasal passages, like a tire fire in a windstorm, only significantly more nauseating. Fear prevented me from fulfilling this curiosity in previous years, but I have finally decided to give it a go.
Also, I must admit that I'm not going to the rave just to make fun of nerds. There's only so much mockery I can dish out, as I am traveling ten hours to attend the exact same anime convention. It's hard to be cocky when your actions reveal such a significant level of personal geekdom, so I have an ulterior motive in mind. This brings us to my next one.
2. Pick up some con ass
While there are many hideous people at these conventions who should not step out of the house with anything less than a burka, I have to admit that, with so many thousands of people in attendance, odds are there will be some hot ladies. Not only that, but these girls will assumedly have at least some basic information about anime, which makes them all the more bangable. And with the convention in Baltimore, which is roughly 78,383 miles away from my home state of Texas, there is little chance that this lady will go loco and track me down. But just to be sure, I will give a fake name. So if anyone asks, I shall be Sir Chester J. Billingsly of Wentshire Farms. Call me Sir Chuck for short.
3. Glomp one of those people with the "Glomp Me" t-shirts
They'll think it's pretty funny when they're lying in the hospital bed with a fractured clavicle. Besides, they brought it on themselves.
4. Defeat everyone in Soul Calibur
If I am to do this then I need to start practicing. I'm pretty good with Kilik, but I need to get better. As far as this one on the list goes, anyone in the group could do it. Alex's smug ass could take the top prize with that big shit-eating grin on his face, or Dan could use Maxi's relentless nunchaku to decimate the competition.
I should make this clearer. It's not that I want to win per se, I just want everyone else to lose. By "everyone else" I mean, of course, the type of person who gets a sense of self satisfaction by defeating someone in a video game. I play video games, I enjoy playing video games, and I will go so far as to say that I get pleasure out of defeating someone in a video game.
It's at this point that I need to make an important distinction, a distinction that separates me from the people I criticize. The particular gamer that I mock is different. He is so delusional that he thinks that by defeating me at a video game, this somehow makes him a superior individual. Because he can push a limited number of buttons in a certain order a little better than me, this makes him think that he can lord over his peers like he's the greatest thing since watermelon-flavored cock rings. This is what pisses me off. This person needs to be publicly ridiculed, and the only way to do this is for a relatively attractive individual, who has had sex with a woman, to completely decimate him at the one thing that holds meaning in his life. This is the only way he will learn.
Also, I realize the irony. I still want to do it.
5. Buy some tentacle porn
Seriously, what the fuck's up with that shit? I want to find out.
6. Steal one of Man-Faye's asshairs
Where, in previous years, I regarded the disgusting man in the full-on Cowboy Bebop Faye outfit as commonplace, I have recently discovered that Man-Faye is a bit of a celebrity. When I saw him in a commercial for SciFi's Who Wants to be a Superhero? I realized that I must preserve something of his that is both personal and disgusting. From the revealing nature of his costume, I know that there is a veritable cornucopia of potential hairs ready for the plucking.
I know that many of you are reading this and thinking: "But Nick, why the HELL would you ever want that?" To this I ask "Why not?" It's unique, opens up potential cloning possibilities, and makes a good conversation piece. I plan on framing the hair and putting it over my fireplace, so that the next time I have a cocktail party or soiree I can point to it casually, remove the cigarillo from my mouth, and say "you see that hair, ambassador? That is the hair of none other than the world famous Man-Faye!" Everyone will clap and clink their glasses and declare me the most eccentric of all the eccentric millionaires. I can't wait.
These are all the ones I can think of for now. I will make an update that will triumphantly declare how many of these desires I can check off of this list. If I don't do any of these, then I'll probably lie. I have an image to maintain.
