Aug. 3 - Otakon 2006: Expectations and Predictions
Otakon 2006 is fast approaching, and I know that we haven't updated in quite a while, but Slacker-Central will probably have even fewer updates because 100% of our writing staff will be in Baltimore. For those of you who have no idea what Otakon is, it is one of the largest anime conventions in the country, pulling in around 25,000 attendees annually. Go to the website if you want to know more. Yes, I realize I'm a dork, but you're reading this, so what does that say about you?
In any case, this is my fourth year for this con, and the third for the group. As is the case, certain traditions and desires arise from these conglomerations of overweight Halloween rejects and acne-scarred, malnourished computer programmers with intricately-designed linen Dragonball Z shirts. Otakon traditions are not created, they are discovered. The con practically makes its own gravy, in more ways than one.
While the traditions are numerous, there is always room for more. Therefore I have created a list of things I want to do at this year's Otakon that I haven't done in previous years. There aren't many of them but this is important in my life, so pay attention.
1. Go to the rave
This one isn't exactly on the top of my list (even though it is literally on the top of the list) but it's something I want to do. I had a glimpse of how nerds party when I went to A-Kon 2006 in Dallas, but it was just a taste. I have yet to fully experience the level of desperation that can arise from hundreds of socially awkward individuals in a dimly-lit room listening to the heavy beats of what I can only assume will be a nonstop loop of various Gundam soundtracks, as they gyrate their moist, pear-shaped bodies around each other, the stench rising up to the ceiling before changing course and billowing down into my nasal passages, like a tire fire in a windstorm, only significantly more nauseating. Fear prevented me from fulfilling this curiosity in previous years, but I have finally decided to give it a go.
Also, I must admit that I'm not going to the rave just to make fun of nerds. There's only so much mockery I can dish out, as I am traveling ten hours to attend the exact same anime convention. It's hard to be cocky when your actions reveal such a significant level of personal geekdom, so I have an ulterior motive in mind. This brings us to my next one.
2. Pick up some con ass
While there are many hideous people at these conventions who should not step out of the house with anything less than a burka, I have to admit that, with so many thousands of people in attendance, odds are there will be some hot ladies. Not only that, but these girls will assumedly have at least some basic information about anime, which makes them all the more bangable. And with the convention in Baltimore, which is roughly 78,383 miles away from my home state of Texas, there is little chance that this lady will go loco and track me down. But just to be sure, I will give a fake name. So if anyone asks, I shall be Sir Chester J. Billingsly of Wentshire Farms. Call me Sir Chuck for short.
3. Glomp one of those people with the "Glomp Me" t-shirts
They'll think it's pretty funny when they're lying in the hospital bed with a fractured clavicle. Besides, they brought it on themselves.
4. Defeat everyone in Soul Calibur
If I am to do this then I need to start practicing. I'm pretty good with Kilik, but I need to get better. As far as this one on the list goes, anyone in the group could do it. Alex's smug ass could take the top prize with that big shit-eating grin on his face, or Dan could use Maxi's relentless nunchaku to decimate the competition.
I should make this clearer. It's not that I want to win per se, I just want everyone else to lose. By "everyone else" I mean, of course, the type of person who gets a sense of self satisfaction by defeating someone in a video game. I play video games, I enjoy playing video games, and I will go so far as to say that I get pleasure out of defeating someone in a video game.
It's at this point that I need to make an important distinction, a distinction that separates me from the people I criticize. The particular gamer that I mock is different. He is so delusional that he thinks that by defeating me at a video game, this somehow makes him a superior individual. Because he can push a limited number of buttons in a certain order a little better than me, this makes him think that he can lord over his peers like he's the greatest thing since watermelon-flavored cock rings. This is what pisses me off. This person needs to be publicly ridiculed, and the only way to do this is for a relatively attractive individual, who has had sex with a woman, to completely decimate him at the one thing that holds meaning in his life. This is the only way he will learn.
Also, I realize the irony. I still want to do it.
5. Buy some tentacle porn
Seriously, what the fuck's up with that shit? I want to find out.
6. Steal one of Man-Faye's asshairs
Where, in previous years, I regarded the disgusting man in the full-on Cowboy Bebop Faye outfit as commonplace, I have recently discovered that Man-Faye is a bit of a celebrity. When I saw him in a commercial for SciFi's Who Wants to be a Superhero? I realized that I must preserve something of his that is both personal and disgusting. From the revealing nature of his costume, I know that there is a veritable cornucopia of potential hairs ready for the plucking.
I know that many of you are reading this and thinking: "But Nick, why the HELL would you ever want that?" To this I ask "Why not?" It's unique, opens up potential cloning possibilities, and makes a good conversation piece. I plan on framing the hair and putting it over my fireplace, so that the next time I have a cocktail party or soiree I can point to it casually, remove the cigarillo from my mouth, and say "you see that hair, ambassador? That is the hair of none other than the world famous Man-Faye!" Everyone will clap and clink their glasses and declare me the most eccentric of all the eccentric millionaires. I can't wait.
These are all the ones I can think of for now. I will make an update that will triumphantly declare how many of these desires I can check off of this list. If I don't do any of these, then I'll probably lie. I have an image to maintain.
Posted by Nick Nobel
