Oct. 29 - A Blast From the Past (Final)
I think I promised artwork, pictures, and various other special features. Really, I want to move on from these entries and get into some other projects, like an exclusive look at the epic cinematic masterpiece Snow Pink. Stay tuned for that.
This script is the first thing I ever wrote for Slacker-Central. Long before there ever was a Slacker-Central. I think I wrote this early sophomore year of high school, which would date it around August of 2001. You can tell by how lame it is. This was apparently a time in my life when I thought it was okay to put a fucking semicolon in a comic strip. I apparently also thought ellipses were the cat's meow. Hopefully I've improved since then.
Colin did actually draw a comic for this, but I never acquired it. If it still exists, Colin has it.
Episode 1 of 3
(Marc and Chase watching TV)
TV: Haven't you ever wondered what goes through the head of super-star Britney Spears?
Chase: You mean besides air?
Marc: Shhh... the TV's making noises.
TV: Then you need to go out and buy... Cockgobbler: The Britney Spears Autobiography. Written by Tom Wolfe.
Marc: (crossing fingers in anticipation) Picture, picture, pictures...
TV: And it now includes a 550-page insert of candid photos.
Marc: TO THE MARCMOBILE!
Chase: You don't have a car.
Part 2 of 3
(Marc and Chase on a street corner)
Marc: Dude I'm telling you; just open the door, pull the guy out and jump in the car.
Chase: Is this really worth it?
Marc: The TV said candid photos. CANDID means NAKED.
Chase: All right.
(Later in the hospital)
Rhea: So what happened after he had the shit thoroughly kicked out of him?
Marc: Well, the guy was nice about it after I told him Chase was my retarded cousin.
Chase: I will destroy you.
Part 3 of 3:
(Back in the hospital)
Rhea: The doctor said you could leave after he gets your finger out of the heating duct.
Marc: (reading Cockgobbler) these aren't candid photos. That's not even a real goat!
Rhea: (to Marc) isn't there something you want to say to Chase?
Marc: Oh yeah. Well, while you're here I thought I'd give you something to help you out in the future.
Chase: What is it?
Marc: Well, I thought since you already started your life of crime, I'd help you in your carjacking abilities with this! (Holds up a crowbar)
Marc: Where can I put it?
Chase: Buried in your skull.
Oct. 23 - A Blast From the Past (Continued)
This post features another old saga, along with some stand-alone comics. Again, I have no specific dates for all except one, but you can guess the timeline based on the comic's number. Let's get started.
"The Sex" Saga
The idea for these comics was probably better than the actual storyline. Back in the day, Dan decided that his nickname would be "The Sex." Not "Sex" or "Sex-Man" but "The Sex."
This inspired me to come up with a storyline about a superhero called "The Sex" and goes by that name for absolutely no reason. His powers have nothing to do with romantic prowess, nor is he exceedingly attractive. "The Sex" is just his name. This confuses the townsfolk, who are grateful for his heroism but befuddled by his idiotic pseudonym.
I don't know. I thought it was funny. The best thing that came out of this series is the shifty-eyed pig Colin drew in Comic 27. I still want to put him on a t-shirt.
Comic 26: The Sex Saga Part 1
Comic 27: The Sex Saga Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
Comic 31: The Sex Saga Part 3: Every Which Way But Pudding
Stand-Alone Comics
These are all single comics that work in and of themselves. The first two are some of the earliest comics we ever posted. As you can see on the strips themselves, Comics 9 and 10 are from April 4th and 7th, 2002, respectively. This would date them as during our sophomore years of high school.
Comic 9: No Title (let's call it "Asphyxiation")
Comic 10: Meet Rhea
The following comics are some of the last humorous strips we ever posted on the site. If you contrast them with the comics above, they really show how Colin has grown as an artist (and if you go down to my President post, you can see he's gotten even better). Comic 33 looks really smooth and professional, and the art in 34 is just fantastic. I love that comic.
Comic 32: Last Month's News
Comic 33: Illustrated in... Illustrator
Comic 34: I Really Want to Do This
Come back in a couple of days for the finale of the "Blast From the Past" series. The next post will feature additional pictures, artwork, sketches, and some comic scripts I wrote that never got drawn (or are unaccounted for). Keep watching the front page.
Oct. 20 - A Blast From the Past
Some people have expressed interest in seeing some of the old comics. This is an understandable request; while I don't think my writing was quite up to snuff, they do represent a kind of evolution in Slacker-Central. Instead of releasing them all at the same time, I decided to post them grouped together by saga. Today will feature three of our oldest story arcs, with brief descriptions from the writer (me). Click on the thumbnail to see the full image.
The Community Service Saga
This early storyline took place during our sophomore or junior year (I forget). I would have said at the time that I was not against community service in and of itself, but the forceful nature in which the school obligated us to fulfill these requirements in order to graduate. In reality, me and Colin were both just lazy fucks, and found mandatory volunteering a major pain in the ass. Did you know these so-called "volunteers" don't even get paid?
"She-Devil" is JanPaf, the former high school administrator. I'm pretty sure she drank broken glass and feasted on the souls of forsaken children.
Comic 16: She Devil
Comic 17: Cookies Are Yummy...
The Putt-Putt Saga
Back when we were really cool, awesome, popular, non-geeky people, we used to spend a lot of time in the Putt-Putt arcade near Glenbrook. When I say "a lot" I mean like "2,800 wins on Soul Calibur 2" a lot. The first comic is based on an actual confrontation me and Grant had with someone even nerdier than us. We didn't actually hit him, though. I forget the name of the game we were playing. All I remember is it was some god-awful Star Trek shooting game. Don't waste your tokens.
Comic 18: Smacktards
Comic 19: No Title (let's call it "Smiggens")
The DDR Saga
As you can probably guess, I was REALLY into Dance Dance Revolution when I wrote this, which is why it goes on for so fucking long and has a really lame ending. I was also under a lot of pressure to write every person I've ever known into the comic, thus the inclusion of Grant, Andrew, Liz, Alex, Dan, Gabe, Kin Yip, Roger, Kimberly, Skylar, RayRay, Donovan, and Timbley Bumblecrum. However, Colin did a great job with the artwork, including a scarily accurate rendition of my basement in Comic 21.
Comic 20: DDR Saga Part 1
Comic 21: DDR 2nd Mix
Comic 22: DDR 3rd Mix
Comic 23: DDR 4th Mix: Blasphemy!
Comic 24: DDR Saga: Something Mix
Comic 25: DDR Saga: Final Mix
That's all I'm going to post for now. I'll put up some of the other comics in a few days.
Oct. 16 - Character Comparison IV!
I've been visiting gamefaqs recently and their having this event or somesuch called "Character Battle V". To me it seems pretty dumb. They're matching up characters that have nothing to do with each other. How are you supposed to compare them? Because of this (and probably because of my frustrating feeling that some Disney-like Square character is going to win because every 13-year-old (and Alex) played the game) I decided to start my own segment called Character Comparison IV! (for obvious reasons). Fortunately, I do not have the scruples that pot-smoking console junkies who get their mommies to buy their games for them so I'm not restricted to just games. Our first comparison of Character Comparison IV is the facehuggers from Alien and the headcrabs from Half-Life.
Facehugger
From: Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, AVP, Aliens versus Predator, Aliens versus Predator 2
Strength: Once it clamps onto your face (even through a space helmet or Predator mask) you're basically dead. It has acid for blood and incubates an Alien in your chest.
Weakness: It dies on its own and falls off so it's not technically directly responsible for your death; also, flamethrowers.
Special Note: They're ugly as hell.
Headcrab
From: Half-Life, Half-Life: Opposing Force, Half-Life: Blue Shift, Half-Life 2, Half-Life 2 Episode One
Strength: Hiding in air vents, shadows, and around corners and scaring the crap out of you. They also like jumping all over the place (particularly at your face). Once they attach to your head they take over your nervous system and turn you into a zombie.
Weakness: They don't do a lot of damage and they certainly don't instanta-kill you; also, radiators thrown by the gravity gun.
Special Note: They make terrific pets once de-beaked.
Check out the forum to vote in Character Comparison IV!
Oct. 11 - Who Ya Gonna Call?
(click for fullsized picture)
This is a slightly older drawing, but i never got around to finishing it until now... Its a Ghostbuster.
anyway, I'm really happy with the way the president drawings came out, especially the Taft drawing, and i have been getting a lot of positive feedback about them.
Oct. 5 - The Presidents: Fat > Phat
There is a lot of debate as to the best president of all time. Unless you're FOX News, it's a difficult thing to judge. Even if you got around to ranking them, what are your criteria? Personality? Rhetorical prowess? Efficiency? Passion? Spousal hotness (Grover Cleveland would dominate that category)? Hardships? Length of term? Cultural impact?
Well worry not, fearless reader. I have a solution for you. After looking through photographs and medical histories, I have noticed that many of our best presidents were in horrible physical shape. Simply godawful.
Just think of former President Clinton. Started off fairly tubby, right? At the start, there was nothing too big to complain about. Then he began losing weight and got hot enough to ejaculate into a mouth half his age, thrice his perkiness and 78% more Jewish. Suddenly the controversy begins; all because he sexed himself up enough to get some poon.
Here are a few examples of the fattest, ugliest, feeblest, crippliest presidents in American history and how, through complete neglect of their own bodies, they were able to become some of the best leaders in existence. Special thanks to Colin for illustrating this little experiment (click on the image to see a larger version).
Abraham Lincoln
"If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North."
The drawing doesn't do him justice. He really was quite hideous.
Accomplishments:
- Led the country through four years of Civil War
- Popularized the "beard and top hat" look
- Lived with Mary Todd Lincoln without committing suicide
- Invented the five dollar bill
At first glance, Lincoln doesn't appear to be all that unhealthy. He's ugly, sure, but he could have taken good care of himself, right? WRONG. This guy was fucked up to high heaven. Color blindness, depression, swollen feet, cumbersome frame, sunken chest, a jaw fracture. I'm surprised he didn't disintegrate after Booth shot him.
Yet he managed to keep the Union together, despite the fact that the South gave him a perfect opportunity to get rid of the South. Why he didn't do it? Masochism, I suppose.
William Howard Taft
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."
Helen, it's happened again!
Accomplishments:
- Beat out Teddy Roosevelt for the 1908 Republican presidential nomination
- The fattest president
- Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
- Buried in Arlington National Cemetery
- Ate his own weight in chimichangas
While many would argue that Taft isn't even close to the top of the list, no one can disagree that he was one fat piece of shit. Weighing in at 350 pounds, he regularly got stuck in the White House bathtub, forcing the builders to install a small lake on the lawn so that he could effectively clean himself using his preferred sanitary implement: a rag on a stick.
As for his presidential prowess, keep in mind that this guy kicked Teddy Roosevelt's ass in the 1908 election. In addition, he didn't even like being president all that much. He considered Chief Justice a much more prestigious position. To be president and not even give a shit? That's badass.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"Winston, dude, when this war is over, we are gonna get, like, sooooo FUCKED UP!"
His PX-2938 Exoskeleton gave him the strength of 1,000 Roosevelts.
Accomplishments:
- Cripple
- Implemented the New Deal, effectively distracting citizens from the fact that the economy was in the shitter
- Married his butt-ugly cousin
- Led the country through most of World War II, making the world safe for democracy until 1949
I don't really have to get into how awesome this guy was. Say what you will about the New Deal's shortcomings, his long running 12-year presidential reign, or his apathetic stance on race relations, this dude rocked house. He is the embodiment of the American dream: showing future generations that you can be stricken with polio and not only hold the highest office in the country, but do the job really well.
His legs didn't work and he still kicked Hitler's pale, pimply ass. Could you do that? I don't think so.
Note: Slacker-Central honors Nathan Smith's birthday. He turned 23 today, so try to be nice to him. It's a really boring number.
