Oct. 5 - The Presidents: Fat > Phat
There is a lot of debate as to the best president of all time. Unless you're FOX News, it's a difficult thing to judge. Even if you got around to ranking them, what are your criteria? Personality? Rhetorical prowess? Efficiency? Passion? Spousal hotness (Grover Cleveland would dominate that category)? Hardships? Length of term? Cultural impact?
Well worry not, fearless reader. I have a solution for you. After looking through photographs and medical histories, I have noticed that many of our best presidents were in horrible physical shape. Simply godawful.
Just think of former President Clinton. Started off fairly tubby, right? At the start, there was nothing too big to complain about. Then he began losing weight and got hot enough to ejaculate into a mouth half his age, thrice his perkiness and 78% more Jewish. Suddenly the controversy begins; all because he sexed himself up enough to get some poon.
Here are a few examples of the fattest, ugliest, feeblest, crippliest presidents in American history and how, through complete neglect of their own bodies, they were able to become some of the best leaders in existence. Special thanks to Colin for illustrating this little experiment (click on the image to see a larger version).
Abraham Lincoln
"If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North."
The drawing doesn't do him justice. He really was quite hideous.
Accomplishments:
- Led the country through four years of Civil War
- Popularized the "beard and top hat" look
- Lived with Mary Todd Lincoln without committing suicide
- Invented the five dollar bill
At first glance, Lincoln doesn't appear to be all that unhealthy. He's ugly, sure, but he could have taken good care of himself, right? WRONG. This guy was fucked up to high heaven. Color blindness, depression, swollen feet, cumbersome frame, sunken chest, a jaw fracture. I'm surprised he didn't disintegrate after Booth shot him.
Yet he managed to keep the Union together, despite the fact that the South gave him a perfect opportunity to get rid of the South. Why he didn't do it? Masochism, I suppose.
William Howard Taft
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."
Helen, it's happened again!
Accomplishments:
- Beat out Teddy Roosevelt for the 1908 Republican presidential nomination
- The fattest president
- Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
- Buried in Arlington National Cemetery
- Ate his own weight in chimichangas
While many would argue that Taft isn't even close to the top of the list, no one can disagree that he was one fat piece of shit. Weighing in at 350 pounds, he regularly got stuck in the White House bathtub, forcing the builders to install a small lake on the lawn so that he could effectively clean himself using his preferred sanitary implement: a rag on a stick.
As for his presidential prowess, keep in mind that this guy kicked Teddy Roosevelt's ass in the 1908 election. In addition, he didn't even like being president all that much. He considered Chief Justice a much more prestigious position. To be president and not even give a shit? That's badass.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"Winston, dude, when this war is over, we are gonna get, like, sooooo FUCKED UP!"
His PX-2938 Exoskeleton gave him the strength of 1,000 Roosevelts.
Accomplishments:
- Cripple
- Implemented the New Deal, effectively distracting citizens from the fact that the economy was in the shitter
- Married his butt-ugly cousin
- Led the country through most of World War II, making the world safe for democracy until 1949
I don't really have to get into how awesome this guy was. Say what you will about the New Deal's shortcomings, his long running 12-year presidential reign, or his apathetic stance on race relations, this dude rocked house. He is the embodiment of the American dream: showing future generations that you can be stricken with polio and not only hold the highest office in the country, but do the job really well.
His legs didn't work and he still kicked Hitler's pale, pimply ass. Could you do that? I don't think so.
Note: Slacker-Central honors Nathan Smith's birthday. He turned 23 today, so try to be nice to him. It's a really boring number.
Posted by Nick Nobel
