Jan. 24 - Asscension
Last night was a night just like any other night. It was night. It was dark. It was night.
That night, I had been resting on the couch, as if that night were any other night.
But it wasn't any other night.
I sat up from the leather couch in order to get something to eat, when I suddenly stopped and looked at my former sitting location. There was an image in the leather of the couch. At first it looked like nothing, but upon closer inspection, it became clear.
The Virgin Mary appeared to me in my butt imprint.
I gazed at the image, wondering what it could possibly mean. A blessing? A curse? A sign of the Apocalypse? A completely arbitrary collection of folds and creases? No, it's something much bigger. For me, at least.
I don't want to say this makes me some sort of holy man--a prophet, if you will. It's nothing like that at all. But it does make me... better than you. This sacred visage puts me on the fast track to heaven. I know it's not fair, but death is just as unfair as life. You're just going to have to deal with it.
So while you're all working your asses off trying to keep in God's good graces, mine has already done the work for me.
Thanks ass. Thass.
Jan. 21 - The Descent
Saw The Descent the other night, and I thought the director--Englishman Neil Marshall--made some pretty cool choices insofar as the "cinematographer" thread is concerned. No wide, sweeping shots or anything, just an extremely well-done sense of claustrophobia and darkness.
In the opening 40 minutes.
Then the movie turns so wickedly stupid I shot Cherry Coke out of my nose laughing. Do you know how much that hurts? The little bubbles are millions of tiny explosions of white pain in a mostly black world. Horrid.
The characters speak in an almost indistinguishable English slurry. I say "slurry" because the word "accent" doesn't seem to fit a process by which people open their mouths and let a language spill out onto the floor.
Then comes the implausibility of an entire clan of carnivorous orc-people living under the earth for hundreds of years. How many people do you know who go spelunking? I mean seriously... think about this. Maybe 1/4 of our number on this forum have been to places like Mammouth Cave in Kentucky, and even though I know a lot of out-doorsy people, I really don't know any who go around wedging themselves into crevasses a mile under the earth on any regular basis. How, then, does this species of underground man keep itself alive? Can they gain nourishment from the crushing, all-too-palpable failure of their own creators?
FAILURE TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!
I would guess so, or perhaps they can crawl out through a plot-hole and head over to KFC for some Extra Crispy action. In any case, we are to believe from the staggering plentitude of bones that these little hobgoblins have killed hundreds if not thousands of people over the years.
Fine. Whatever. Suspension of disbelief.
At this point I was far enough through the movie to just decide to stick it out and see if it goes anywhere. It doesn't. The characters do some screaming, some more talking in their impenetrable gutter-speak, and someone gets stabbed in the throat with a pick-axe. Speaking of the characters in general: they were well-defined and believable. Wait, no they weren't. They were one-dimensional and there to fill out a role in the pantheon of horror movie cliches.
From left to right: The "Ballsy" one, The "Strong Underneath" one, The "One Who Dies" one, The "One We See In The Shower" one, The "Gods of Perdition She Has A Compound Fracture" one, and of course The "Older Leader" one.
I think what I'm getting at here is that you should save your freaking time and just watch Alien again. It's better, you won't be confused by stupidity, and you won't have Cherry Coke all over your shirt.
Jan. 7 - I Win at the Internet
Aside from the long-awaited comic post, Slacker-Central's front page has been largely devoid of any sort of epic Internet controversy. However, I've learned that some entertainment comes from where you least expect it.
Last semester, I was in a class on documentary film. One of the assignments was to write a paper and viewing guide on a particular film covered in class. I chose to write on Loose Change, a low-budget, Internet-exclusive, agitprop documentary asserting that the United States government was behind the attacks on September 11th. Let's highlight some of its claims:
- The Pentagon was hit by a missile.
- Flight 93 was redirected to Cleveland, where its passengers were removed and cell phone calls professionally fabricated.
- The Twin Towers fell as the result of a controlled implosion to mask the transfer of $167 billion of gold.
These claims were researched by a Neo-Nazi, compiled by a self-aggrandizing jackass, and believed by morons.
Despite my strong opinions on the film, I thought I wrote a fairly even-handed and academic essay about Loose Change's manipulative use of mise-en-scene (a fancy word for "visual choices"). The papers and viewing guides were published online, and the final stipulation of the assignment was to post the links on various forums and websites of interest.
I decided to post it on the Loose Change's official forums.
The thread went up on December 16th with little interest. One member came in to point out that all seven papers on Loose Change were decidedly negative (with is typical when critiquing a shitty movie) and I responded with a rather tepid and fair-minded appeal towards discussion.
This is when it got interesting.
Tepidity and fair-mindedness went out the window when, on December 24th, Dylan Avery--the director, editor and narrator of this hideous atrocity of a film--decided to voice his opinion on the papers:
"invented information"? "mis-en-scene"? LIGHTING? you guys are in way over your heads...
mise-en-scene?
look man, throwing around fancy film school terms does NOT make you an authority on the matter.
i have a question. what have YOU kids done? it's easy to throw insults and ad hominem attacks, but your guides fall very short on actually tackling the evidence presented.
Okay, so much for a rational discussion on his methods. It appears that it was, as the kids say, "on." It isn't often that I get to flamewar with an Internet "celebrity" of such magnitude, so I couldn't pass up this early Christmas present. I responded in kind:
What have I done? Was a viewing guide and essay not enough for you? You want me to hold your hand through the process? I promise not to use big words like "mise-en-scene" (it's okay, you can use "ad hominem" all you want. How about "reductio ad absurdum"? Or "semper ubi sub ubi"?). I guess I'm not worthy of an opinion unless I cobble together copyrighted material and sell it online for personal gain.
ZING! That's like seven Internet points for me.
The director's the douche bag in this picture. No, the other one. No, the one on the right. There you go.
LC forum member Starbelly decided to defend Loose Change and its Golden-God creator:
All the film school credentials, certificates and jargon boasted by these type of people count for nothing in the real world. How many of you will achieve anything on the scale of Loose Change? I'd put 10 bucks on none.
Regardless you agree with the information or not. Show a little respect where respect is due.
A solid argument. It was an unexpected tactic to attack the boasting of my "film school credentials" and "certificates," considering I have none and never did anything of the sort. I skipped that one and respond to his second plea:
Soooo if something is marginally popular on the Internet, I am obligated to respect it? In that case, I'll go ahead and respect Tubgirl, Goatse, and Lemon Party. A bunch of people clicked on those links, therefore it is a respectable form of artistic expression.
Another Internet point for me. By this time in the argument, I think it's Nick: 10, Dylan Avery and the Klu Klux Krazies: 8.
LOOK GUYS IT'S BLUE! THAT'S MEANS THE GOVERNMENT DID IT!
Avery caught wind of my biting retort, and brought out the big guns:
you're almost banned, smart-ass. keep it up.
i never "deliberately misled" my audience. i made a movie, on my laptop, in my spare time, and people started liking it. now, it's insanely popular for some reason, and I now have to tolerate snotty little college know-it-alls such as yourself who believe they actually know who I am.
end, of, story.
Oh my! So many commas! They must hand those out when you're so "insanely popular" on the Internet. I better watch my back, as well as my nose, since it's apparently getting very snotty.
I'm not even three years younger than you. I don't think you're in a position to lord over me just because your movie has gotten some attention. That's like William Hung getting a superiority complex because he made an album.
end; of? story!
Nick: 14. KKKrazies: 9.
Result: I win at the Internet.
Overall, the thread is massively entertaining. I only included the highlights, but there are a number of little gems that went under the radar. I invite you to read the entire thing to get the full brunt of its idiocy.
Oh, and happy New Year.
