Apr. 5 - Snow Pink
When the art-form of moving pictures was still in its infancy, those select few who chose to embrace this new technology did so with a refreshing, rebellious impetuosity. These tinkerers--come to be known later as "filmmakers"--grabbed their shiny new Cinematographs and heedlessly captured whatever images they could. Pioneers such as the Lumiere Brothers, George Melies, Edwin Porter, and D.W. Griffith cared little about plot progression or character development. They only wanted to capture their vision in the most exciting and stimulating way possible.
Nowadays, there is nary a film that earnestly seeks to emotionally, spiritually, or physically move its audience. In Hollywood's attempt to make a traditionally "good" movie--complete with a logical story, likable characters, proper editing, and a satisfying conclusion--directors have forgotten what it means to feel.
Thankfully, Fort Wayne's own Boniface Studios remembers the medium's original intention. Their repertoire of low-budget shorts have garnered them popularity within small social circles. With their first film endeavor, heretoafter known as Lopez: The Movie, the filmmakers sought to express the raw triviality of the genre itself. The end result is a frenzied whirlwind of images and sounds that leaves its audience emotionally drained and physically satiated.
Boniface continued this tradition with other film outings. From their surreal and brooding Lost in Aberdeen (inspired by the films of Martin Runningdeer and the historical fiction of Howard Zinn) to the epic Shank's End trilogy (the third and final film, Loose Ends: Shank Resurrection, is currently in post-production).
However, no Boniface film has so wholly affected its audience quite as much as Snow Pink. Originally envisioned as a new take on the old fairytale, Pink quickly devolves into so much more.
Snow Pink's glorious title page.
The story starts out simply enough. The Wicked Bitch of the West consults her two wooden oracles as to who is the "fairest fairy of them all." Expecting the pair to name her, she approaches the request with a confident zeal. However, she is shot down not once, but twice by the wise, lumbering behemoths. "IT IS THE PINK ONE" thunders both. The Bitch is mortified. How can her sworn enemy be fairer than she?
The Bitch is horror-stricken by the Large One's prophesy.
Unsatisfied with their responses, The Bitch goes to "interrogate the Dangerous Faggot." During this confrontation, The Bitch instructs The Faggot to kill The Pink One.
"I'd be happy to."
The Faggot does as The Bitch asks, but instead of backing out at the last minute, he does so immediately after he does the dirty deed, slicing The Pink One across her bulbous chest. The Pink One reacts accordingly; stumbling about the area screeching a guttural, repetitious "oh my" and gobbling up various deli meats from her large chest injury. In a panic, she runs outside and falls over nothing, gracefully planting herself in front of the building.
She wakes up forty years later to the annoying patter of a spandex-laden dwarf who is actually a normal height by any standards. The dwarf--one of four--is eager to help the fallen fairy but is unsure how to do so.
"Oh my."
The film gets a little confusing at this point. The Pink One eats a lot of indiscernible objects. The Bitch disguises herself as the "Good Bitch of the South" (as well as altering her voice for no reason), and gives The Pink One a golden poison apple. Also, there's something about a river or a lake.
Eventually, a now elderly Dangerous Faggot contemplates his existence as a homosexual, and wonders why he could not complete the deed so many years ago. He also calls himself the "Scary Faggot," creating futher confusion as to his true identity.
"Why couldn't I do it?"
After much consternation and gnashing of teeth, he comes to a groundbreaking realization: he's not gay! He wants to shout it from the rooftops, but instead decides to seek revenge on the one who made him think he was. Lucky for him, his target enters the room at that very moment. The Bitch looks at him with overbearing disgust, as if the "Faggot" (a gay man no longer, opting for the title of "Prince Charming") were somehow below her. He gets his revenge, however, as two almost simultaneous shots to the fupa render The Bitch no more. The Prince celebrates his victory by coming to his princess, the ever-beautiful Pink One.
While the plot is grotesque and nearly indiscernible, one thing comes to mind while watching Snow Pink: it makes you feel. Granted, the feelings expressed are typically anger, disgust, and confusion, but it exploits these emotions for all they're worth. For those unwilling to immerse themselves in this surreal fantasy-world, a partial viewing is more than enough. Yet, like sitting on a caramel apple during a hot summer morn, the film sticks with you. Once the hustle and bustle of the day's activities die down, Snow Pink returns to your psyche with frenzied ardency. It won't leave. The only way to satisfy this unremitting succubus is to watch it again. And again. And again. Until you've memorized each desultory line to the point of madness. You start cackling in your sleep about the stupidest of things. If anyone asks you what the hell you're howling about, you can't give them a reasonable answer, because you don't even know yourself. You try to analyze it academically, painstakingly transcribing the words so that they may somehow reveal their genius on paper. It helps a bit, but never really gets at the core of its brilliance (you can try it for yourself by downloading the partial screenplay). Eventually you succumb to its idiocy, curling up into the fetal position and spending the rest of your days in a padded room, repeating to yourself "oh my... oh my... oh MYYYYYYYYY!"
But a cursory description or halfhearted analysis is not enough. One has to experience it to fully understand. Thankfully, Snow Pink has made its Internet debut right here on Slacker-Central. Feel free to follow this link to Google Video, or view the embedded film below (NSFW, as if I had to tell you that).
For more information please check out the Boniface Studios Facebook Group, or inquire about the film on the Slacker-Central forum.
Posted by Nick Nobel
