May. 14 - I disagree with some your choices but I do not wish you specific bodily harm, Sam Raimi
Yes, it might be suitable to subtitle Spider-Man 3 with something like "Every Which Way But Pudding" or "Dinosarmageddon," but I will purport that it's not that bad. However, it is still an action movie that I yelled at. The action scenes are good and the special effects are not notch which make the movie watch-able and, dare I say, even enjoyable. That said, making fun of a movie is much more entertaining than praising it so I'll get right to it.
The movie tries to do too much. Namely, it tries to put Sandman into more than zero frames of film. Sandman is a lame villain with a lame in-movie origin. Scientists are experimenting on sand. Clearly technological singularity will be brought about by exploring the silicon-oxygen bond via electrocuting sand with a tuning fork (This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose). The experiment is being carried out at night and even though they have equipment to sense changes in the mass of sand being experimented on, their budget evidently did not include room for the high-tech equipment (such as a video camera or a window) to actually watch the experiment or to see that, no, a 200 lbs bird did not just land in your sandbox, it was, in fact, a beefy-faced man wearing the clearance rack from Gap.
So now Sandman can control sand. But instead of living a life of getting under peoples' contact lenses, ruining the potato salad at beach picnic and enjoying a lucrative partnership with the world's ant farm manufacturers as would more befit his powers, Sandman finds himself battling Spider-Man (and not over the perfect beach volleyball spot). Despite doing his best impersonation of The Mummy, Sandman leaves, defeated, by exploiting one of sand's more well-known properties: flight.
Joining Sandman in his unconvincing battle against Spider-Man is a disastrously-characterized Venom. I don't have anything against Topher Grace (except perhaps the obvious name thing) but he cannot get away from the fact that he is Eric Foreman. This translates into a Venom that seems scrawnier than Spider-Man himself and completely devoid of menace (phantom or otherwise).
Apart from that and Mary Jane being a nagging bitch throughout the entire movie, and the Osborn's butler's (who I think should be credited as D.E. Machina) Al Gore-like performance choice, and the strange choice of editing equipment, Spider-Man 3 is a decent movie.
May. 4 - Fuck you Sam Raimi.
I am pissed beyond words, so you will forgive any spelling and grammatical errors. i just spent $7.75 on a ticket to Spiderman 3 and i am going to drop some spoilers because i dont even fucking care. first of all Harry fucking dies, i don't care what it looks like 30 minutes later, he fucking died so don't fucking bring him back, because at the moment you bring him back, 45 minutes from the end, after watching the most painful 30 minutes of so called fucking cinema i am going to walk out of the theater because i simply cant fucking take how ridiculous this movie is!
preceding the moment harry comes back peter finds out his father was killed by thomas hayden church turns emo kills sand man and then KILLS FUCKING HARRY WITH A FUCKING GRENADE. then he gets even more emo and from there follows the most painfull montage i have ever seen followed by a scene of indescribable pain in a jazz club culminating in peter bitchslapping mary-jane across the face which had everyone in the theaters checking their watch. because clearly when you cant generate disdain for your character by making him look like a complete emo fucktard you should have him abuse some women. hey, while your at it why dont you have him go over to aunt em's nursing home and slap her around a little while sodomizeing children, maybe then we will know that we arent supposed to like peter. well after that he is simply fraught with guilt over what he had become so he went up on top of a church in a thunder storm for ultimate emo-effect and tore off his evil emo-suit, by the way if this is news to any of you just watch the trailer its pretty much all in there. but then the evil emo-suit falls on eric forman and calls him a dumbass and tells him to kill peter parker and not 2 seconds later the guy from sidways is magically fucking alive again- full of rage until he sees the locket of his daughter and is calmed like every fucking stereotypical good-guy villain. but now he has to kill peter, and foreman has turned into the lamest fucking venom i could have imagined its like they just didnt fucking care. now for some reason i sat through all this, and maybe the only reason why was because i always liked venom as a villain and i wanted to know what he was going to look like, but i swear if they had showed me that in the preview i wouldnt have even bothered. and for god knows what reason i sat through kirsten dunst with her brand new tooth job get kidnapped for the umpteenth time and the one joy i had was thinking that harry wasnt going to come back. then those mother fuckers for no god damned reason, out of the fucking blue, without even a single hint of foreshadowing and with not a care for continuity brought back a fucking pristine conditioned harry looking like he just hopped out of the bloody shower in the morning and peter just needed him so fucking bad to fight both thomas hayden church and eric foreman, and i walked out. so fuck you sam raimi. fuck you casting your brother in all of your movies, fuck you for thinking that we would find bruce campbell funny in yet another cameo. fuck you for your miserable writing, your god awful directing and your complete and utter inabilty to edit. fuck you for not knowing a damn thing about film and fuck you for getting good reviews. reviews from people who have no idea what good film making is.
spiderman 3 makes star wars episode one look like the seven samurai. and it made me want to drown things.
May. 1 - New Merch (that you can't have)
This is REALLY old news (practically prehistoric), but I was abroad and unable to receive regular mail so fuck you. When I got back to the States, Nathan's Christmas present was waiting for me, and let me just said it's a doozy.
Yay for Slacker-Central-themed computer accessories! The new(ish) logo looks even more fantastic when it isn't confined to a t-shirt sleeve. Thanks a million for the gift, Nathan. Check the mail for your complimentary slice of cheese.
If you would like your own Slacker-Central mouse pad, do the same thing Nathan did and make it yourself. Then send us a check for $8.95 or we'll sue your asses off.
