Jun. 22 - Year 2012 Summer Movie Roundup!
Spider-Man 5
212 minutes
After a brief hiatus in rehab, Tobey Maguire returns as Peter Parker in this 5th installment to America's most profitable superhero film franchise. Following Aunt May's tragic death in Spider-Man 4, Peter must somehow get through the funeral. After 34 minutes of solid crying, the service is interrupted by a rash duo of new villains: Demogoblin (Shia LaBeouf) and Hammerhead (Tom Sizemore). Toppling the casket and taking May's corpse hostage, Peter must overcome his inner torment and defeat the villains once and for all. But what's this? Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) becomes enraged when, after switching her career to fashion design, Peter is late to the gala premiere of her new swim line! With the help of the ghost of Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina), Peter develops a mechanical doppelganger of himself using a curious mixture of webbing and his own tears. Will Mary Jane know the difference? Or will his plans be foiled when a cockney garbage man (Bruce Campbell) accidentally throws away his prototype? May 16.
Remington Steele
109 minutes
Pierce Brosnan reprises his role as former thief Remington Steele, who teams up with private investigator Laura Holt (Jessica Alba) in this hilarious battle of the sexes. The two must uncover a terrorist plan to steal the world's supply of diamonds to fund a massive plot to destroy all of the world's finest five-star hotels. Will the two foil the nasty terrorists, while keeping their own nasty sexual tension in check? Willem Dafoe stars as terrorist leader Mohammed Shal Azbar-al-san-Sabban, a zany polygamist Muslim who hates plucky female private investigators almost as much as smarmy elderly former jewel thieves. Directed by Brett Ratner. June 1.
Ocean's 23
124 minutes
Danny Ocean's (George Clooney) crew has ballooned in size, and for good reason: they must pull off the biggest heist of their collective careers. After their minor league baseball team's floundering season, the Wichita Dromedaries are bust. To compensate their investors, the crew must simultaneously steal $4.8 trillion dollars from 36 different casinos from around the globe. Can they pull it off and look cool while doing it? The answer, inevitably, is yes. Also featuring Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Elliott Gould, Matthew McConaughey, Al Pacino, Jennifer Lopez, Bernie Mac, Adam Sandler, Colin Farrell, Jessica Simpson, Anthony Hopkins, Robert De Niro, Don Cheadle, Dane Cook, Nicolas Cage, Eva Longoria, Carl Reiner, Rob Reiner, Rosario Dawson, The Rock, and a few others I can't remember. June 22.
Challenge of the GoBots
183 minutes
Steven Spielberg directs this epic remake of the classic animated series. In this, the Guardians and the Renegades are mysteriously transported to Earth when an asteroid travels dangerously close to Gobotron. Once there, Leader-1 (Patrick Stewart) befriends a plucky young reporter (Lindsay Lohan), who helps Turbo, Scooter, and the rest of the strange visitors know the true meaning of friendship. Meanwhile, Cy-Kill (Steve Buscemi) and the rest of the Renegades hold the world hostage by sneaking into the White House disguised as PT Cruisers and kidnapping President Carver (Dennis Quaid), along with his adorable young daughter Kelly (Apple Martin). Soundtrack includes the musical stylings of Coldplay, Nickelback, My Chemical Romance, John Williams, and Fergie. June 29.
Hors d'oeuvres
93 minutes
In Pixar's new animated spectacle, young Puffy (Cameron Bright) is a spirited little crab cake living with his family in the walk-in freezer of French caterer Jacques Fromage (Jean Reno). However, his life is turned upside down when his parents are taken away from him to be featured in a banquet for the Queen of England. With the help of his friends, Guido, the wise guy canape (Robert Iler), and Oinker, a corpulent yet loyal pig-in-a-blanket (Jonah Hill), Puffy embarks on a journey to save his family. Before their quest to the island across the Channel, the trio seeks advice from a wise old cheesecake, Succulo (Ian McKellen), on how to survive the hungry streets of London. July 6.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Legend of the Cursed Clan of the Four Fisted Ninja of Hamaratsu
278 minutes
In this sixth installment to the epic amusement ride, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), in order to find the Jewel of Eternal Irrelevance, finds himself in the South Indian Ocean near the small island of Abi Nokti. There, a whirlwind sucks the Black Pearl into an underwater wormhole, transporting him and his entire crew to the freezing North Sea. After finding Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) in a small coastal town, and a 53 minute swordfight with the Nordic Viking clan, he seeks the help of a local Inuit tribe, which allows them to pass through the massive Sea Igloo of Hir-Tak-Tsor. This transports them back to Abi Nokti, but much to their dismay, the Jewel is missing. It appears the Igloo has sent them back to the 12th century! They go through the wormhole once again, but find themselves in Feudal Japan. There they come across the Cursed Clan of the Four Fisted Ninja of Hamaratsu. There Jack finds his Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather, clan leader Hanji Spariamu (comprised of Kirk Douglas stock footage and CGI). Will the trio ever get back to their time and recover the Jewel? You'll have to see the next film to find out! July 25.
Posted by Nick Nobel
