Nov. 30 - The Guy With An Opinion At The Bar Shares His Views on a Video Game
"Man, don't even talk to me about Duck Hunt. Seriously.
Listen. I've been out there hunting real fucking ducks since I was 12 years old, and Duck Hunt is NOTHING like hunting ducks for real.
For one thing, there's that gun. You NEVER hunt ducks with a pistol! And even if you were, for some odd reason, to hunt ducks with a pistol, it wouldn't be some kind of orange color. Guns are never orange, dude.
Also, it's way over-simplistic. I hate that people get up there and act like they're really hunting ducks or something when all they're doing is pointing a fake gun (that doesn't even sound like the real thing) at a screen and pulling a trigger (never mind that you're supposed to squeeze a trigger - another thing you'd never learn from Duck Hunt) and then congratulating themselves when that stupid dog holds up the (totally fake looking) duck.
Speaking of the dog. It's totally the wrong breed. What is that? A St. Bernard? Have you people who play Duck Hunt ever even heard of a Retriever? Fuck. What about a Labrador of some kind? I'll even allow for a German Shorthair. But, a St. Bernard? That's so fucking fake, man.
It takes forever to go duck hunting too, man. You've got to get up early, and get your gun and all your ammo and walk to a pond or marsh and use your duck calls before you can even think about shooting some ducks. The dog doesn't just jump into some weeds and magically ducks start flying in pre-determined patterns for you to shoot at. Not to mention the fact that you have to have a licence or the DNR will be all over your ass. You gotta pay your dues before you can hunt ducks in the real world, man. Not like this shit on this game where you can just get up at noon and start hunting ducks right off the bat.
Why don't you go out and buy a real shotgun and take a few lessons and actually hunt ducks for yourself? Are you just going to go through life letting computers do most of the work for you and just pretending you're hunting ducks, or go out and shoot some in the real world and accomplish something?
It's just really sad to think about a group of people in a basement somewhere playing this game pretending to know how to hunt ducks when this game doesn't even start to imply what hunting ducks is all about.
Just...I'm gonna go get another drink. That shit is so lame though, man. Get a fucking life."
Nov. 22 - Thanxgiving Fax
* During the original 1619 Thanksgiving celebration, the Virginia colonists ate a thick mush of corn niblets, algae, duck gizzards, leaves, and spring water, which they called "Shim-Shaw."
* The turkey was invented in 1912 by Liftwood R. Gobbler in the Ottoman Empire (renamed Turkey in 1919, which Gobbler knew at the time for some reason). It happened when he accidentally overfed Jeffery, his pet falcon.
* In 1941--the first Thanksgiving officially declared by Congress--when President Franklin D. Roosevelt asked for "a thick juicy leg" of the turkey, only Treasury Secretary Henry Morgenthau Jr. chortled at the irony.
* During his trial in 1970, a reporter asked Charles Manson what he was thankful for. His response was:
"I'll tell you what I'm thankful for, man. I'm thankful for all the bureaucratic tyranny that submerges our centrifuge into a modicum of prosperity, man. I want to thank all the lawyers and bakers and telephone makers who make this hypnocracy [sic] possible, man. That's who and what and where I want to thank, man, that's who it is."
What he actually wanted to say was "yams."
* No one knows what purpose those horn-shaped cornucopia baskets serve.
* By 2034, Thanksgiving will have fully melded with Christmas and Halloween to create a massive three-month holiday orgy in which families come together to eat candy corn, honey glazed ham, stuffing, candy canes, turkey, gingerbread men, toy trucks, pumpkin pie, and miniature Snickers. It will simply be called "Hallothankschrisamfkdshfjalhjsdghjladfshj."
Nov. 16 - New Comic!
Well, I did another comic. This is an actual conversation I actually had out on an actual porch a few actual weeks ago. Plus, it's new content, and Nick says that's important. Or something. I dunno...just read the damned thing and laugh. Or not.
Nov. 5 - I Like Free Stuff
Remember a few months back when I "stole" a can of Mountain Dew Game Fuel from a booth at Otakon? Might you also remember how I gave them my address so they could send me some free soda? No? Oh for the love of... just go here.
In doing so, I expected, at most, to get a few cans in the mail. At the very least, I expected jack shit. The latter scenario seemed the most likely one. That is, until a few days ago, when I received a mysterious package.
I never thought I'd say this, but Mountain Dew has vastly exceeded my expectations. Look what they sent me (for free, mind you):
"Limited Edition Aluminum Bottle." KA-KOW! Let's get a slightly closer look.
Say what you will about Halo 3, this bottle is fucking awesome. But wait, what are these strange bits at the bottom of the box?
That's right. Fake plastic ice. They really went balls out.
The only problem with this wonderful gift is that I am now stuck with sixteen ounces of glorious gaming ambrosia, and I can't drink a drop of it. The bottle is just too beautiful. I could never disturb it in its natural state. I can neither chug nor change nor crank.
I shall just look at it forever. And then eBay it.
